Sunday, December 04, 2005
Listening to: Doesn't Remind Me- Audioslave
Feeling: depressed
Whats Going On:
I should be ecstatic because I am officially dating Lee. Our anniversary will now be December 2, 2005. Last night was amazing and couldn't have asked for a better night.
Today however I feel so different. We were supposed to spend the entire day together but he got called into work. Then my worrying got the best of me. What if he doesn't really like me? What if he's with another girl? What if he finds a better girl? I guess Matt hurt me even more than I thought. I now have trust issues which I don't need or want. I hate feeling this way, I really do. I'm afraid to ask for the needed reassurance because I don't want to scare him off. I will keep quiet. I will bite my lip and tough it out.
Ugh I feel like shite.
Posted at Sunday, December 04, 2005 by
About_A_Girl
Monday, November 21, 2005
she's got everything I need, pharmacy keys
Listening to: The Nurse Who Loved Me- A Perfect Circle
Feeling: lazy
Whats Going On:
I was just at Justins for the afternoon but decided not to sleep over because I know dad would rather me be home while I'm in school. We didn't go to the gym as planned but I understand that Justin isn't feeling the greatest right now because him and Liz's relationship is still on the rocks. They argued a little bit in front of me which was très uncomfortable. I hope they can get things back on track.
I started my new class today and it was so fucking boring. Its more like an independent learning class and today's exercises were really easy. I ordered the wrong book for the class and even if I were to order the right book it wouldn't come until thursday or friday and my exam is thursday. So I'm pretty much royally fucked. The prof pointed out some chapters in my book that would be helpful which was nice but I will still struggle on the test I think. And not many of us in the class have the book as well or are already sharing with other people. I don't know what to do. I don't want to fail. I will never make this mistake again. I'm such an idiot.
I'm gonna go stay with Johnny for the weekend which has me really excited. I may skip fridays class and leave thursday but we'll see. I should book a doctors appointment cuz something isn't right with these new meds and Justin has me concerned because of my dose's and such. Basically before I was either feeling okay or extremely sad compared to now where I'm either extremely happy or extremely sad. Its very rapid changes but I still feel suicidal when I'm extremely happy. Like I get tempted to jump in front of a car just to do it or cuz I feel invincible. I dunno, its just really weird.
I added a few more pics of myself and stuff. You may notice I am in love with my new hat ;)
Posted at Monday, November 21, 2005 by
About_A_Girl
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Listening to: Last Call- Tragedy Ends
Feeling: shocked
Whats Going On:
I just found out from Justin that him and Liz are officially on a break! It makes me sad cuz they are so perfect together. I really hope they can work through this.
Hoo ray!!!! Liz changed her mind and they are back together. I am so relieved. They are soul mates.
Posted at Sunday, November 20, 2005 by
About_A_Girl
Thursday, November 17, 2005
Listening to: Ciagro- System of a Down
Feeling: depressed
Whats Going On:
Well it appears Adrian is still in fact "single and looking"....what a fucking jerk. He made moves on me then lies about not being ready for anything. He got his blowjob so it doesn't matter I guess. Fuck this and fuck him.
Today was another boring day at school....I feel like talking to someone there about the fact that I am always struggling not to fall asleep and I know its cuz of my meds, that way I won't look as bad. And I've pretty much learned to sleep with my eyes open which is no help what so ever. This week was nice because we did a lot of group work and it was so cool talking to the older people and hearing their stories about their kids. I wonder if dad says good things about me. Oh yeah dad really liked his birthday gift and card which made me feel good. In his card I thanked him for everything and said I loved him which is something we don't say in this family since dad nor Steven show any emotion other than anger.
Tomorrow we're getting our electric piano back that was damaged in the flood. I'm excited to start fiddling on it and practice the Dukes of Apollo song that Antonio taught me.
I think I'm supposed to be going out with Jayne, Jenny and Kieran tomorrow but I have to call and find out. I really need to keep myself busy so I don't get even more depressed and angry over Adrian. Johnny offered to kick his ass but I'm not a violent person...well only to myself.
I want to go shopping. I feel like doing so much but can't seem to get myself to do any of it. I'm so lazy and am already in the routine of going to sleep as soon as I get home from school.
Anyhoo I'm off.
Oh yeah I added some new pics to my album so check em out.
Posted at Thursday, November 17, 2005 by
About_A_Girl
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Listening to: Old School Hollywood- System of a Down
Feeling: frozen
Whats Going On:
The house is absolutely freezing! Its miserable outside and I got soaked waiting for the bus after school. I get home fairly quickly tho which is nice. School is okay, I have to struggle to stay awake but I've made some new friends there so it makes the day go a little faster. It turns out I can pretty much wear whatever the fuck I want so I'm going to return a couple pairs of pants but I'm keeping all my shirts cuz they're so cute. I have to buy a couple books that I'll only be using for a couple weeks which sucks ugly cock. I owe Lisa so much fucking money. I'm totally blowing my ten grand. Speaking of which dads financial advisor is coming back again so I we can decide what I should invest some of my money in. I think I might keep half and invest the other half. Hopefully it should last me until I finish school at the end of june.
Yesterday I visited Justin after school. We actually went to the gym which felt good but I burned like a whopping 100 calories according to the machine and if its right I didn't even burn off the soft drinks I had at lunch. Jamie was there but its not awkward between us at all which is cool. He stayed home and got plastered and I desperately wanted to get drunk again but I had to go to school the next day. I'm drinking way more than I normally do which is good and bad. But it does help me forget about shite. I was pretty tired at 9pm and Justin made me stay cuz we were going to denny's with Liz when she came back from work but she was running a little late. We got there at like 9:30pm and didn't leave until an hour later. I was too lazy to have to take the buses home so I just went home with them and went to school from there. I have so much untapped lust and its becoming unbearble. To the point where I actually wanted to jump Jamie last night. So weird. Dammit Adrian! This is all ur fault!
Nana's coming over today to be with us tomorrow on dads birthday. I'm glad I got his gift nice and early so I didn't have to worry about it. I should start putting Justin & Liz's christmas gift together. I just hope they like it. I think for Lisa's christmas gift I'm gonna get her a magazine subscription and a gift certificate to a spa or something. I have no clue what else to get for her.
Fuck its freezing! I'm gonna go huddle in my bed for warmth.
Posted at Tuesday, November 15, 2005 by
About_A_Girl
Sunday, November 13, 2005
take this blood from my veins
Listening to: The Kennedy Curse- Alexisonfire
Feeling: tired & depressed
Whats Going On:
Back home for the first time in about ten days and it was really hard to leave. I met Lisa at the mall and we spent a couple hours buying new clothes for school which was a real pain in the ass and was another reminder of how fat I'm getting. I'm so ashamed and embarassed. Hopefully with school I'll be able to go on a crash diet for a few weeks.
So yeah school starts tomorrow morning at 8:30am which is lovely. I have yet to buy books or anything still. I'll just gather some shite before bed and hope I don't fuck myself over tomorrow. I must remember to see the lady in head office to fill out some gov't forms in regards to moms pension thingy. I'm really going to need that money since I won't be able to work with my heavy course load and co-op placement. Fuck I can't believe I actually start school tomorrow. I'm going have to start drinking mass amounts of coffee again to at the very least be semi conscious during class. After school Justin invited me over to go to denny's and watch the last two episodes of Nip/Tuck which will be nice especially because I feel so fucking horrible right now. I'm too exhausted to even cry anymore. I hope I get to see Jayne on friday I really miss her.
I'm really upset about whats happened or more like not happened between Adrian and I. I really liked him. But as usual I get fucked over. I really, really wish I was a dyke.
Last nite I got to play with Dukes Of Apollo (Johnny & Antonio's band). They needed someone to play the parts of the piano, I didn't want to at first but they begged me to. You would never know I had piano lessons for a couple years cuz it took me forever to play the song properly but once I got it right we all played and had a great time. We went to Kelseys around 9pm and waited for about an hour for Frazer to haul his ass there and we couldn't even stay long by the time he got there. But he had enough time for me to buy him cake and buy him, Johnny and I shots of whiskey. I don't know how I could stomach that shite. Its so much easier to drink when ur depressed. There were really annoying girls sitting behind us whom I wanted to kill. I think they were like sixteen but there was like twenty of them there for someones birthday. Antonio and I did impressions of their annoying voices, "Like oh my god you're like so retarded." Ugh I fucking hate girls sometimes. After dinner we went to Picadilly's Circus for a few drinks then Johnny and I went home and rented The Devil's Rejects which was a creepy fucking movie. Pretty gory and violent. Its very scary to think that people that horrible exist. Rob Zomie you have managed to scare the shite out of me once again.
Ugh I feel like such crap right now. So much that I've even considered cutting but cannot remember where I hid my razor blade. I'm too stressed about school already and it hasn't even started yet. This is going to be a fun eight months....
I am crying and I hate it.
I hate liking a guy so much, it makes me feel so weak.
My heart aches. To love and be loved.
I feel like such a sappy loser.
I think I'm going to give up.
I think that sounds like a good plan.
Posted at Sunday, November 13, 2005 by
About_A_Girl
Saturday, November 12, 2005
Listening to: Violent Pornography- System of a Down
Feeling: crummy
Whats Going On:
I was feeling pretty shitty until I just got a call from Justin. I told him how I got fucked over by Adrian last night and he said he'd tell him off for me and he'd give me a big hug when I see him monday. After school we're going to denny's to pig out which made me happy. I love Justin and Liz. Them and Jayne are the best friends I have.
So yeah about yesterday. Adrian was to come to nonna's with me so we could have sex. I was really excited and Antonio and Johnny cheered me on. So we get there and shites getting hot and heavy, I kiss him everywhere, I even put the condom on with my mouth and he goes limp and says he couldn't do it. I was like no, not another jamie! I thought he was really nervous and he said he wasn't ready and was confused and depressed. I consoled him and tried to get him to relax. Then he said he wasn't ready for relationships or dating and that I will one day find the right guy. We sat in silence for like half an hour until he finally left. I felt like utter shite cuz once again I got fucked over. I cried and cried. Played Johnnys drums and tried calling Justin but he wasn't home so I called Jayne and she made me feel so much better. But I also popped a lorazepam...I've been popping a lot of those lately.
So yeah school starts on monday. I haven't bought any books or clothes yet. I was gonna ask Aunt Rita to come with me to yorkdale but she went to clean out nonnas house in new market and I don't feel like being alone right now. So I'm getting Lisa to take me around some warehouses tomorrow when I come home. I hope it won't be a gruelling task to find clothes that fit me right and are school appropriate.
Tonight me and Johnnys buddies are going to the Kelseys as usual then to Picadillys to get drunk yet again. They are going to try and hook me up with Josh whom we nicknamed "Chops" cuz he has the most beautiful teeth I've ever seen on a person. He is so hot and sarcastic which I love. But i'm not really expecting anything to happen. At this point I just want to get laid lol.
Anyway I'm gonna go take a bath and Jayne if ur readin this don't forget about Nip/Tuck tonight!
Posted at Saturday, November 12, 2005 by
About_A_Girl
Friday, November 11, 2005
i want to fuck you like an animal
Listening to: Closer- Nine Inch Nails
Feeling: awesome
Whats Going On:
Last nites concert was so fucking amazing Nine Inch Nails put on an awesome show. The set looked cool and you could just tell Trent Reznor was putting his entire being into it. Everyone in the entire stadium sang Hurt, it was so beautiful. I don't know if it was from the lorazepam or the ppl smoking joints next to me and blowing it in my face, but I felt so beautiful and weightless and I had no inhibitions and just let the music take over. I want to find a place to be able to feel like that again. Queens of the Stone Age were really good but they couldn't be amazing because they were the opening band. I was hoping they would play Feel Good Hit of The Summer and they opened with it! Josh was turning me on with the way he moved his hips. Death From Above 1979 were kind of disappointing. They didn't play Sexy Results like me and Antonio had hoped and they were singing way too fast but it was nice watching Jesse on guitar cuz he's sexy. Oh yeah my tshirt came out beautifully by the way, took pics of it cuz I liked it so much.
Oh yeah about the extra tickets....I now owe Lisa $283. And Antonio isn't making me pay for the ticket he got me, so that was generous of him. We tried scalping them but the other scalpers swarmed us and ripped us off hard core. Not many wanted the internet print outs. So we got $30 for three of the tickets and the last one we gave to a homeless guy we met. He just came up to us and started talking and asked for some small change then talked about music. He thanked us for talking with him because it was moments like that, that made him feel like everyone else because he was so lonely being homeless. So we decided to give him our ticket. He was so happy and thankful and the three of us felt pretty good. It was fun to see him be able to walk through the doors because the security guards seemed to know him and now he was finally allowed in. He was so happy. It was a shame he couldn't sit with us but he was happy anyway.
Fuck it was such an awesome show. I wanted to buy some souveniers but they were over priced like always. My voice is barely there due to so much sreaming, Antonio looked at me quite suprised at the fact I could be so loud. We got home around midnight and pretty much just crashed. I thankfully only have minimal ringing in my ears which shall soon completely disappear. I don't know whats going on tonight. I think I might be seeing Adrian again for a bit. After that I'm going to nonna's with Johnny and Antonio to watch them jam and get drunk. I want to get drunk cuz I'm so happy.
I'm going back to bed cuz I'm still exhausted.
Posted at Friday, November 11, 2005 by
About_A_Girl
Thursday, November 10, 2005
Listening to: A Feel Good Hit of The Summer- Queens of the Stone Age
Feeling: happy
Whats Going On:
I am very psyched for tonights show. Antonio got us seats on the floor which now leaves me with four tickets to get rid of. I hope I can sell them if not it will totally take away from the show because I will now be in debt $283 which fucking blows. But I'm still having the orgasms of anticipation lol.
My date with Adrian went very well yesterday. At first I was panicing to Jayne on the phone cuz I thought I was being stood up but he was just a little late. We watched Saw 2 which was okay, it was nice and gory and the ending was suprising, it was pretty good for a sequel. Then we went to tim hortons and sat and talked for like an hour then wandered aimlessly around the gigantic mall. We finally decided to go to Indigo to look at sex books so we found an empty corner to read a little sex handbook and made out. He is a bad kisser I must admit but you can always teach someone how to improve. He is such a sweetheart and he has the softest hair and hands I've ever felt. His hair was like silk!
I was planning to stay in the city until sunday but I don't think I brought enough meds so it looks like I'll be coming back a little early. I need to buy some new clothes for school because I have very few things that are appropriate according to the dress code.
Its funny listening to certain bands or songs and being able to remember exactly what I was doing at the time. For example hearing Down With The Sickness by Disturbed and remember cruising around with Kevin C, Christian and Bozek while stoned out of our fucking minds or hearing The Perfect Drug by Nine Inch Nails and remember sitting on "the hill" with Anthony after smoking a nice fatty. Oh the memories. I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything.
Well I must go Johnny needs the computer....
Posted at Thursday, November 10, 2005 by
About_A_Girl
Sunday, November 06, 2005
tell me is my time wasted?
Listening to: If We Don't Make It We'll Fake It- Death From Above 1979
Feeling: hung over
Whats Going On:
Feel in fairly bad shape today. I shouldn't have drank and taken so many of my lorazepam, it was a big crowd last nite. I had 3 shots of liquid coke, 2 long island ice teas, and 2 atomic drops but with a different name. But I had so much fun!!! Frazer was a no show once again but he had to go to the hospital cuz he hurt his shoulder at work. So hopefully next saturday he will grace us with his presence lol. Before we went to the Zem me, Johnny and Antonio saw Jarhead. Johnny and I were disappointed because we knew it was about psychological drama in war but there wasn't enough drama. I was trying not to fall asleep but that could also b because I took lorazepam earlier. After that we went to Kelseys as usual on saturdays then went to the Zemra.
Next wednesday is my date with Adrian and I cannot wait. We both pretty much like each other so we're just gonna see what happens. Its gonna be such a good week, seeing Adrian and going to the concert the next day. We're going to see Saw 2 and cuddle hehehe.
Also Matty and I are no longer talking cuz of something stupid in his live journal. Only Jayne and I know the truth but he doesn't need to know haha. But ya I got to tell him off which was really nice. He was such an attention whore and emotional slut.
The other day I was at Justins and Jamie was there about to go on a date but got stood up which sucked for him. But I was really jealous because I found out he had quit smoking weed and he was like the guy I first met. I wanted to cry. And he deliberately flirted with me on purpose which hurt. And the new girls he's meeting all have big boobs and blonde hair which makes me feel inadequate. I don't feel bad anymore tho just kind of ugly. Hopefully Adrian will make me feel pretty and even happier.
Oh yeah I bought some new bras and it turns out I am now a 36C which never in my life I thought I could reach. I'm so proud of my boobies, go team!
Anyway I'm gonna go get some pics of DFA'79 so I can make t shirts. I'm also gonna make shirts for Johnnys band who asked Justin to play guitar for them. We'll see what happens.
All in all life is good!
Posted at Sunday, November 06, 2005 by
About_A_Girl
