My So Called Life

Thursday, November 03, 2005

i can't wash you off my skin

Listening to: Go With The Flow- Queens Of The Stone Age

Feeling: bored & hyper

Whats Going On:
I'm still on my high and it feels pretty fucking good.

I pretty much just slept all day and chatted online with that guy Adrian from mmto. We're gonna try and get together next wednesday. My god he is fucking sexy. And whats even sexier is he is a virgin. I want to fuck his brains out haha! But I won't. Not yet anyway ;)

I got my hair cut, nothing special done cuz I don't trust Elizabeth would do it right. I just got it cut shorter than I originally planned. I'm gonna try and get to a discount make up warehouse in the next week and get my hands on a real ceramic hair straightener.

I was going to go to Toronto tomorrow but I'm gonna go out with Liz and Justin instead, cuz I don't feel like barhopping the entire weekend and I know Adam and Johnny will convince me to go so I'll go down saturday instead. Oh yeah Steve screwed Jamie over and purposely got him fired. What a fucking asshole. He deserves to have his nads bitten off. As much as I disliked Jamie at the time he didn't deserve that and we're going to try and be friends....but everyone says that.

I was listening to Edge while in the shower and it felt so good to be able to enjoy hearing QOTSA and not have to cry that I'm not going to the show. But since I am I can happily sing along.

I'm doing pretty good with my christmas shopping this year. I have dad and nana already done. I just have to figure out what to get Lisa and Liz and Justin.

Well I'm gonna go back to chatting with Adrian aka Christmas Tree. Oh Jayne!

Posted at Thursday, November 03, 2005 by About_A_Girl
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Tuesday, November 01, 2005

less concerned about fitting into the world, your world that is

Listening to: Only- Nine Inch Nails

Feeling: super psyched!

Whats Going On:
Ugh well my internet fucked up and I lost my original entry which was very long so now I'm pissed and too lazy to re-write the entire thing again.

Well long story short I'm going to see Nine Inch Nails, Queens of the Stone Age & Death From Above 1979 next week. I bought four tickets and am going with Johnny, Antonio and hopefully Jayne. If Jayne doesn't want to come I'll bring Frazer instead. Omg I cannot wait. I'm having an orgasm just thinking about it. Sure the tickets were $70 each and the seats are fairly shitty but I don't care. Oh God I can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For Halloween I went to Justins place. None of us went trick or treating because Justin and I planned to just walk with Liz as she went door to door but she didn't want to do it alone. So we just hung out and chatted. Justin and I talked for hours and he gave some drum tips which really helped. Justin told me that Jamie is telling people he broke up with me cuz I was lame in the sack. If anyone was lame it was definitely Jamie. I shudder at the thought of us ever having sex. Ewww. He also told me that when Jamie first started talking to me its cuz he thought I was easy cuz I showed my legs off in a pic. I was kind of offended at first but now I laugh because I know how much of a pathetic loser he is. I was steaming mad last nite so I kept my mouth shut but today I told him to stop talking crap about me because its very immature. Then he said he'd stop if I stopped taking his best friend away and that I was to blame for his ailing friendship with Justin. He even cried to his mom about it on the phone and tried to make me look evil. I nearly laughed when he said it because thats the kind of thing u hear little tweenies complaining about. But then again Jamie has the mental capacity of a child. What a fucking moron. Justin doesn't like him anymore because Jamie didn't do a fucking thing he was asked to do and took everyone for granted. He's probably playing the sympathy card to lure new girls into his sad life. I feel bad for them cuz he's gonna send them to the poor house and make them go insane. If Jamie wants to talk smack about me to make him feel better fine but I will retaliate if need be whether its telling ppl what really did or rather did not happen in bed if u get my drift.

Oh yeah I talked to a girl from mmto.com who was also tricked by that guy Rob I dealt with in May. I just wish I would have warned her about him before he hurt her. We want something to be done but after talking to Justin about the situation I don't think we should. It seems it will cause more harm to us to report him formally than to remain anonymous. It is a very sketchy situation because nothing was forced physically and there is no way to prove it. Erg. Well I'm going to lay down cuz I am tripping out from missing a dose of my meds last nite. Thursday I'm getting my hair cut which is badly needed. I've never looked forward to a hair cut before.

Anyway I'm out!

Posted at Tuesday, November 01, 2005 by About_A_Girl
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Monday, October 31, 2005

push it down son its more than just lip

Listening to: Romantic Nights- Death From Above 1979

Feeling: happy

Whats Going On:

Still feeling pretty good and I hope I stay that way for a long time. I don't know if its because of the new anti-psychotic I'm on or if I'm actually beginning to like myself as a person. Either way I hope it lasts. I'm already talking to new people but its just that for now. I can't wait to chill with Johnny, his friends and Frazer this weekend. Then I can chill with Antonio & Ben and the rest of his hot friends lol. But Johnny won't let me date his friends which is so cute and funny.

Oh yeah its Halloween so Happy Halloween everyone!

I'm going to Justins place cuz him and Liz really wanted me to come over. They're going to dress up and go door to door but I'm not going to. I want to get drunk cuz I'm in a happy-crazy kind of mood.

I had a pretty good weekend. Jayne stayed overnite on friday and we went out with Amanda. Jenny called at the last minute saying she was feeling really sick and didn't want to go out. Jayne and I knew it was bullshit because I had talked to her four hours earlier and she was fine. And we also caught her and Kieran leaving Wallmart as we were arriving. And being me there was no way I was gonna let her get away with her lying so I ran up to them and talked to her about her bad lie. Now I'm pretty sure they're avoiding us cuz they're not answering their phones. Meh I don't really care that was a really bitchy thing to do on Jennys part and its not the first time she's done this, it was just the first time she got caught so fuck her. Yesterday Lisa took me to a warehouse sale and bought lots and lots of Belgian chocolate, some hair and face products and a couple of gifts for Justin and Liz for being so good to me.

I bought The Sims 2 and I can safely say I am addicted lol. I've never played a Sims game before but since I'm not working right now I need something to keep me occupied and the game is perfect for it. I created my house so perfectly and Jayne laughed about how anal I was with every detail. Its so much fun.

Tomorrow dad and Lisa's financial advisor is coming over and they want me to sit with her and create some sort of budget or some shite like that. Then wednesday is my first appointment with my new doctor. I really hope I like her.

Well I'm gonna go paint my nails and watch some Oprah.

Posted at Monday, October 31, 2005 by About_A_Girl
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Sunday, October 30, 2005

addiction is in

Listening to: White Devil- Alexisonfire

Feeling: so fucking happy!

Whats Going On:
I'm single and I like it!

I'm so happy.

So relieved.

What a waste of time and money, especially money....

Fuck losers!

Posted at Sunday, October 30, 2005 by About_A_Girl
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Wednesday, October 26, 2005

baby you make my heart beat faster

Listening to: Beat Your Heart Out- The Distillers

Feeling: crummy

Whats Going On:
Just got home after spending the nite at Justins. He was feeling really ill and he thought he may have to go to the hospital during the nite and Liz was too tired so I stayed with them just in case. We just sat around and watched a movie and ate lots and lots of chips. He went to the walk in clinic this morning and it turns out he has a stomach ulcer but still has to wait until friday for his ultrasound results and we both suspect there may be something wrong with this gall bladder and/or pancreas. I guess that one year of nursing left me with some medicall knowledge after all.

Jamie came back from work still obviously stoned. I wanted to talk but didn't even know where to start. Justin and Liz kind of tried to talk about things and to get us to open up but he was just filled with excuses and I couldn't even open my mouth. There were so many things I wanted to say but couldn't get the words out. I finally got myself together this morning but when I asked to talk he said no because he already knows after reading my last journal entry. I'm never giving out my journal address to my boyfriends again. I didn't know what to do so I just grabbed my shite and quickly left. I don't know why I feel so guilty...it wasn't a big suprise considering all thats gone down. I mean before yesterday I hadn't seen or heard from him in about a week, I find out he's smoking all the time...like c'mon, I'm not going to settle for a shitty so called relationship where I get little to no respect. I don't even think he really cared anymore anyway. I would still like to talk to him though so we can both have some closure and maybe even still be able to stay friends. I don't mean best friends but just friendly enough so its not as awkward when we see each other. If he doesn't thats cool and I wish him the best of luck.

Today I was gonna chill with Matty and we were gonna go to the PRC station which would have been cool but I cancelled when I decided to go to Justins last nite. I'm gonna buy a sweatshirt from the online store. Its kinda neat making new friends all the time. I'm so happy I met Justin and Liz, they are so awesome. Justin is the first person I could ever really talk to when I'm feeling really shitty because I know he's been there.

Well the next couple days will be spend doing nothing at home. I'm gonna clean up my room and put together some paintings and hang them up and go through all my nik naks and get rid of a lot of them cuz my room is really bugging me. Its so cluttered and has no direction. Its almost looks like a room for a 13 yr old girl. I just hope no one is offended when they go in my room and find some of the stuff they bought me, not there. I don't mean it to be anything against them.

Well I'm gonna go play with my puppy dog.

Ugh. I'm sad.
I miss Jamie. The Jamie I first met.
I loved him.

I was just talking to one of my friends from when I was growing up in Toronto and I told her about my boy troubles and such so she gave me a list of "Seven Red Flags"in dating, that her therapist told her about. She said they may seem a little odd but that her therapist knows what he's talking about. I figured I'd leave the list here for future reference.

Note: If a person has
2 (red flags)=YAY! healthy relationship (everyone has at least two because we're human and we have problems)
3 = not bad, a relationship is do-able, but it will be bumpy

4 or more = Run. Run fast.

Now for the flags....

1. Angry, critical, controlling, disrespectful (could be inward or outward anger) ex. shows up late, puts people down, sarcastic

2. Addictions (alcohol, drugs, sex, work, drama, etc.) poor health diet

3. Needs to be taken care of - no life direction, unemployed, no goals or ambition

4. Poor communitcaion skills (sulky, moody, rages, trantrums, drama, conflict, actions and words don't match)

5. Family baggage (conflict, drama, addictions, divorce gorwing up )
Note: If you have family baggage but have done things to get over it ex. therapy, you only get 1/2 a red flag

6. Not available for long term (married, separated, attached to someone)

7. Not compatible (age, educations, money, life goals)

And Voila!

Posted at Wednesday, October 26, 2005 by About_A_Girl
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Monday, October 24, 2005

its easy to fall in love

Listening to: Ain't No Easy Way- Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Feeling: numb

Whats Going On:
My mind if full of small random things to talk about today. First is that today is Frazers birthday.

I was supposed to start school today but a few people dropped out at the last minute and now I don't start until November 14 which is good and bad. But Lisa is doubting they will be able to fill the spots so she wants me to look at the community colleges around here.

Some shite went down at zellers this week. I got a bitchy call from Mel asking me why I haven't shown up for my shifts the past couple weeks. I explained that Trisha told me that she had cancelled my shifts cuz I was going to quit and she totally denied it ever happened and that she wouldn't hire me back and wouldn't give me a good reference. What a fucking bitch. Anyway I went to the store and got this resolved (well sort of) and now I'm out of a job and not in school. ARG!

I am going to break up with Jamie. He's been smoking weed before and after work and never calls me and was an ass when I tried to talk to him about it. Sometimes I feel sad cuz now I'm gonna be single yet again but at this point I don't give a flying fuck cuz I'm sick of his bullshit and the way he treats everyone like crap. Justin is gonna kick him out if he doesn't have his rent money when he comes back home. Justin and I have talked a lot the past couple weeks and I stayed with him and Liz last weekend. But he is sick of Jamie's lies, disrespect, and lack of responsibility. I made sure he wasn't going to be mad at the fact I was going to dump him but he says he understands cuz Jamie treats me like crap. But Justin and Liz still want my friendship so thats awesome. Nothing would really change cuz Jamie's never home anyway.

I went to my last doctor appointment with Dr. Mehta. Didn't quite go as I had hoped but oh well. She didn't take my blood like I had asked, she didn't give me any kind of painkillers for my knees and just referred me to a physiotherapist. She also didn't lower my insanely high effexor dose and just added an antipsychotic to my cocktail and so far its made me sleep about 15-20 hours every day! But I have an appointment with a femal doctor at the place where I saw a psychiatrist so hopefully she'll do better than Mehta has.

Well I'm done with my update for today.

Posted at Monday, October 24, 2005 by About_A_Girl
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Thursday, October 13, 2005

so go on and I will refrain

Listening to: Save Your Scissors- Dallas Green

Feeling: disappointed

Whats Going On:
Received some crappy news from Jayne today that this weekends get together will be cancelled cuz her parents are sick, so they will be going away next weekend. I was looking forward to going to her house soooo badly but I'll just have to contain myself until then. Instead I'm going to Toronto until monday or tuesday so basically the weekend plans have been switched backwards. Tomorrow I will go to Aunt Rosa's for the nite then take Frazer out for his bday on saturday and maybe go back to Rosa's for a bit on sunday. I was hoping Aunt Rita wasn't going to be working but Adam says she is now so that kinda sucks cuz I wanted to spend time with her. I'll just hang out at the house while she's watching all the kids. Madison will be happy to see me anyway. Then on wednesday me and the family are taking nana to the Mandarin for her bday dinner. Its going to be a nice last two weeks before I go back to school.

Ugh school. I am really not lookin forward to going back. I can't even wear all the clothes I want because they have a "business casual" dress code. And I won't finish until June which isn't that bad I guess but it makes me wish I had started in august instead of october *smacks forhead*.

Well I need to go wash out my hair dye now. Will update when I get back.

Posted at Thursday, October 13, 2005 by About_A_Girl
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the first step to forgetting is destroying all the evidence

Listening to: .44 Caliber Love Letter- Alexisonfire

Feeling: crazy

Whats Going On:

I didn't take my meds the past couple so I'm going through mad withdrawls and it sucks hairy nuts. Haven't gotten much, or good sleep cuz of crazy nightmares and night sweats. I spent the past couple days with Jamie, Justin and Liz. I felt so crazy being outside today, all the colours I saw seemed hightened and the dimensions of things seemed off, like in those pictures u have to stare at for a couple minutes to discover the 3D image inside it.

Jamie finally got what seems will be a stable job. Unfortunately he'll be working with Steve and he'll be working afternoons. Justin and I talked this morning about how much we hated him and how much of a loser he is. I wish Jamie would fucking get his head straight and realize that Steve does not give a fuck in the entire world about him. The only reason I can think he hangs out with Jamie is cuz he doesn't have any friends his own age cuz he's such an immature loser. I don't know why he gives a fuck about Steve anyway and listens to what he has to say. If he should listen to anyone it should be Justin. I guess I should give up the thought about Jamie actually quitting smoking since Steve is always going to be in the picture now. I felt so shitty today as I was leaving the apartment. Jamie didn't really pay any attention to me. The only real time he did was when he wanted me to buy him cigarettes or give him money. Now I know what I'm good for. I feel so used and unappreciated. I know its not good but I could really go for some coke right about now. Oh how I miss it!

Going to Jaynes house for the weekend which should be awesome, I never have a bad time with her. Jen and I went to the movies on monday and saw The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I really enjoyed it, it was very creepy. I even went to the library the next to and got two books about exorcism and stuff like that so far its very interesting. I'm surprised I can actually stay with it and not read the same dozens of times then just giving up. Sure sometimes I forget what the hell the author is talking about it but I think its good exercise for my brain, especially with school coming up in about two weeks. Ugh...school.

Work is being a bitch cuz I had talked to Carol about quitting, then my new bitch of a supervisor Mel just cancelled all my shifts for the next couple weeks. I think its unfair that she would cancel them especially when I haven't talked to any of the supervisors about it yet and have not submitted anything in writing which makes it official. I fucking hate Mel. And it disgusts me how she tells people she knows she's a bitch and she's so bored of her job and just ignores everything she's supposed to do. It makes me want to fucking slap her in the face and say, "wake up, ur a cashier supervisor at zellers, a department store so how fucking exciting do u expect it to be?" She does fuck all anyway...

Arg I'm in a bad mood now.

I've been reading Matty's journal and his little meets with that Randi character. For some reason I find myself a little jealous. I think its cuz I'm pissed off at how talented a photographer she and many ppl think she is when really any asshole can walk into a rock show, take some pictures. And everyone these days follow her so blindly and think some accidental squiggle of light that appears in a shot is "art" and is so deep and amazing. Psht! Me and Jayne love making fun of her shite quality photos and phony persona.

Thats enough ranting for now.

Posted at Thursday, October 13, 2005 by About_A_Girl
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Sunday, October 09, 2005

i'm loving how I think about you now

Listening to: Let Your Shoulder Fall- Matthew Jay

Feeling: disappointed & bored

Whats Going On:
We celebrated Thanksgiving here at home today and its the first I've been home for in a very long time because I usually went to nonna's. Lisa's kids came and a couple of their friends but thats it. I was supposed to go out with Jen and Kieran again to see a movie but they decided they want to go tomorrow. I'm just so fucking bored. Right now I'm fiddling with my printer because I want to finally get three photos printed up so I can put them in the frame I bought two months ago. I'm even considering totally cleaning up my room and getting rid of all the nik-naks that clutter my room and stress me out because of all the work that will need to go into cleaning it all up someday.

Jaynes parents are going away next weekend so me, Jen and Kieran r gonna stay there and do our usual drinking, pigging out and watching movies which will be really nice. The weekend after me and Johnny are gonna do something for Frazers bday. We'll probably just do what we always do on saturdays, eat at Kelseys, pick up Adam and Johnnys friends then go back to nonnas to watch movies, drink and jam. I'm taking him out a week early cuz I want to go to Harry Flashmans and get drunk like I did last year just before Halloween hehe hopefully Matt won't be there *crosses fingers*. Its so nice to be able to drink freely and no longer having to worry about Matt and making sure he got home alive and having to listen to his empty apologies the next day. Now I can just be happy (or semi happy) with my friends.

Anyway I'm out of things to talk about for now...

Posted at Sunday, October 09, 2005 by About_A_Girl
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Saturday, October 08, 2005

wait for me

Listening to: Wayne- Chantel Kreviazuk

Feeling: run down

Whats Going On:
I've been sleeping a hell of a lot more lately which has been nice but crappy at the same time. Things have calmed down between Jamie, Justin and I. However I can't look Justin in the eyes right now. I just feel really isolated and ashamed right now. I'm really uneasy and nervous all the time....which led me to pull out all my eyelashes once again.

Nana isn't coming up for the weekend cuz she's sick which makes me sad because I've looked forward to this weekend with her for so long. I hope she gets better soon so she can come up. Its nonna's birthday today and she would have been 85. Compleanno felice nonna, ti amo molto!

Going out with Jen and Kieran tonight but not sure where we're going yet and we're getting together tomorrow nite with Jayne as well to watch a movie which will be really fun cuz I really miss chilling with my friends.

I decided I'm going to be quitting at Zellers next week. They changed everything around and basically I have to do everything from answering customer service calls, cleaning the store and being a service person all without training (or at least for a while) and without the pay. So I've decided to quit. And I've realized its going to be too difficult to balance work with school and my placement. Dads pretty pissed off at me which is understandable I guess cuz I won't be able to pay for much of school. But hopefully he'll cut me some slack after I pay for my books which alone are just under $1000. And I'll just start dipping into the money left me. Not a lot but enough that I can buy everyones christmas gifts and stuff. After all I should be able to find a job when I'm done school which will allow me to live semi comfortably.

Well I'm done babbling on and on and on and on.....

Posted at Saturday, October 08, 2005 by About_A_Girl
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